Brad (theartichoke) wrote in funky_stories,

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I'm new, but that's irrelevant. I've come to post a story I wrote last year (based on truth but exagerated slightly) about a friend of mine and her unfortunate encounter while having "relations" in a cemetary.


“Sex in the Cemetery”

By Brad Walker

Once upon a time, Kasey was getting laid in a cemetery by a man with an extraordinarily small penis. The poor Kasey couldn’t feel a thing, laying there on the ground, so she began to try and think of a way to occupy her time until the awful experience was over.
She looked around and finding nothing of much interest she began to pick her partner’s nose… for no real reason. This, surprisingly, stimulate The Great Kasey. … Unfortunately, her irrectionally-deprived, sexual friend did not feel the same way.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Small Penis Man exclaimed.
“I’m picking your nose! Now hold still!” Kasey explained.
“Why?” Small Penis Man inquired.
“BECAUSE IT GETS ME OFF! Now quit moving!” And then The Great Kasey exploded in an orgasmic pool of “she-cum”.
After that The Great Kasey and Small Penis Man lay there, half naked, with Penis Man complaining about how and why he couldn’t get her off without the assistance of the nose-pickage.
By this time, an angry couple had crowded around the less-than-clothed Kasey and Penis Man. Apparently they were friends or family of the deceased person, whose grave they had been screwing upon. They paid no mind to the aggravated couple and went on with their discussion until Kasey’s cellular phone rang.
“Hello, suicide hotline.” Kasey greeted, answering her phone.
“Kassandra, where are you?!” It was her father.
“I’m at the cemetery, daddy.” She replied.
“Doing what?” He asked.
“… Visiting some dead friends.” She told him; all the while thinking ‘I’m doing a man with a cock like an inch worm!’ but of course, said nothing of it.
“… Why are you out of breath?” The father further interrogated.
“There’s a really big hill, daddy!” She explained, becoming ever more nervous that her father would find out what she was really doing… or “who” she was doing, I should say. “… Why? Do you think I was doing some one, I MEAN, some thing else?” She added, making her father even more suspicious.
“No… But now I am!”
“Daddy! You know I would never do some thing like that!”
“… Okay Princess.” He said. “Be home soon.”
“I will daddy. Buh-bye.”
“Good bye.” And at that, the phone conversation ended.
Kasey then re-strapped the phone to her fuzzy, purple thong that she was now pulling up around her hips.
“Who was that?” Penis man asked.
“My daddy; he just wanted to know what I was doing.” Kasey replied.
“What’d you tell him?”
“The truth, of course.”
“… Really?”
“No! What do you think I am?! Crazy?!”
By now the annoyed couple who had brought flowers to the grave that The Great Kasey and Small Penis Man had been “doing the dirty” on had become irate. The woman began to yell and scream and cry (Kasey could tell she was some thing fierce). The man’s face had grown into an irate expression with his eyebrows crossed, teeth grinding and fists clinched.
“That’s it!” The hysterical woman screamed. “I’ma gonna go call the po-lice! Reginald! Go get muh phone outa muh car!” And so the man (Reginald) started back to their automobile to retrieve Hysterical Woman’s cellular phone.
It was at this time that The Great Kasey and Small Penis Man thought it wise to get their asses moving before the authorities came and found them. Like a flash of lightning, Kasey had on her double-D cupped bra and Penis Man had on his pants and shoes and shirt.
In her fit of rage, Hysterical Woman picked up one of Kasey’s shoes and launched it off into the far, nether-regions of the cemetery.
“Bitch, what chu thinkin’?!” The Great Kasey exclaimed. Hysterical Woman did not answer, only laughed in a wild insanity.
Now The Great Kasey had two objectives: 1.) To find her shoe, lost somewhere in the cemetery, and 2.) to get out of dodge of the police and Hysterical Woman, who was about to snap into a psychotic rage at any moment.
She thought first of finding her missing shoe, as she is Kasey and personal items, such as shoes painted with glitter paints by she and her mentally disturbed friends, were of greater importance to her than spending the night in jail.
The Great Kasey was now on her feet, running in the direction that Hysterical Woman had thrown her shoe. Whilst running, she attempted to pull up her pants, which were still around her ankles when she had arisen from the place where the less-than-fabulous fucking had occurred. Penis Man was ahead of her, with no idea where he was going or what he was doing, as he was stoned senseless.
The barefoot, pantsless Kasey reached the summit of the hill, where she could see her brightly painted shoe, gleaming in the moonlight, off in the distance at the trunk of a tree. She squealed with joy but in her glee she tripped over her own pants and began to tumble down into the nether regions of the cemetery. She stopped when she hit her head on a gravestone.
“Owwwwch! Damnit!” She whined in pain and anguish.
The shoe was now close at hand though. She stood up, wobbling because she may or may not have had a concussion. She finally pulled her pants up the whole way and ran for her shoe.
“YAY!” She exclaimed like a child at Christmas, as she held the glittering shoe high above her head.
And they all lived happily ever after… until Monday when Kasey thought she might be pregnant by a married man… but that’s a completely different story.

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